I ventured to the 2019 side of the portal yesterday, to go to a small concert. I was wearing my respirator & sitting at the back of the venue, watching the reading on my CO2 monitor inexorably rising. And as the choir began singing a song I knew, as I realized that I would never sing in public, in a group again, I began to cry. Being banished from society is not for the faint of heart.
Hugs to you, this is hard. I left a choir that I'd thought of as "my people" when masking stopped being required. For a neurospicy queerdo, the sense of belonging was rare and precious, so I didn't want to lose it. When I spoke up to question the unmasking decision, I was offered a surprisingly tone-deaf observation about people "hiding from society", as if being marginalized by disability is a choice. My partner spoke up in frustration, asking to revisit the new policy and got tone-policed. To make it worse, we were apparently expected to attend the group's concerts and applaud them.
Since then, I've found "my people" among the chronically ill and disabled folx who are better-informed about the ongoing pandemic, and more sincerely committed to inclusion. The memory of that WTF moment with my ex-choir raises no feeling of regret, and no desire to go back through the portal.
Thank you. We live on the other side with you as seniors caring for our physically disabled adult son. It is lonely… As a child of the sixties, I am truly stunned that we have become a people that does not even try to understand what it might be like walking others journeys and denies reality.
Sending you solidarity from my tiny slice of the portal here in the UK. What annoys me is a lot of it isn't actually hard - people just won't be inconvenienced. I managed an entire two-week trip to Italy with work, masking indoors, eating outdoors where I could, and the worst I came back with was two spider bites. While those around me didn't join me in masking, they at least understood I did so because of Long COVID, and some even expressed admiration that I was "brave enough" to do something no one else was doing. Who knows, maybe some of them will even consider masking next time they have symptoms?
It is fascinating exploring such things regarding my own personal journey over the last few years. Pre-pandemic, I often felt only "lonely" when I tried to connect with the masses and "play the game" as opposed to when I actually had solitude. The pandemic helped crystalize for me how performative and transactional so much of the "social contract" has always been. It has really illuminated how bankrupt the hyper-consumption and the "no think, only consume" mindset is that the masses seem to cling to at all costs.
It is also something that can't be unseen once you see it. Even if we magically poof'd away all infectious diseases, I don't see myself ever wanting to engage with that part of the world more than the absolute minimum required for survival. I am grateful to have found small communities online that acknowledge reality so there's at least a spot to vent and relate somewhere. Haven't found anything like that in person, but I'm generally at peace with my solitude. In a twisted way, I was already somewhat primed for handling social isolation as someone who doesn't drink alcohol and as someone who never found things like indoor dining particularly interesting.
Thank you for the reminder that there are glimmers of hope, thay small groups where community actually means protecting and caring for one another exist, and continue to put into practice what we learn.
It was easier for those of us who were always outcast from society, but it is still a portal.
Illusions were stripped away and I can now tell who genuinely cares about other people or at least themselves, and who just wants to "fit in" and "follow the leader".
Beautifully written (as usual). I shared this with my local mask bloc and they were very inspired by it! They are now exploring options for hosting more mask-mandatory social events.
Yes, to all of this.
I ventured to the 2019 side of the portal yesterday, to go to a small concert. I was wearing my respirator & sitting at the back of the venue, watching the reading on my CO2 monitor inexorably rising. And as the choir began singing a song I knew, as I realized that I would never sing in public, in a group again, I began to cry. Being banished from society is not for the faint of heart.
Hugs to you, this is hard. I left a choir that I'd thought of as "my people" when masking stopped being required. For a neurospicy queerdo, the sense of belonging was rare and precious, so I didn't want to lose it. When I spoke up to question the unmasking decision, I was offered a surprisingly tone-deaf observation about people "hiding from society", as if being marginalized by disability is a choice. My partner spoke up in frustration, asking to revisit the new policy and got tone-policed. To make it worse, we were apparently expected to attend the group's concerts and applaud them.
Since then, I've found "my people" among the chronically ill and disabled folx who are better-informed about the ongoing pandemic, and more sincerely committed to inclusion. The memory of that WTF moment with my ex-choir raises no feeling of regret, and no desire to go back through the portal.
Thank you. We live on the other side with you as seniors caring for our physically disabled adult son. It is lonely… As a child of the sixties, I am truly stunned that we have become a people that does not even try to understand what it might be like walking others journeys and denies reality.
I really, really needed this tonight. Thank you.
So beautiful. Thank you for this! Gonna share it with my little group of caring, disabled weirdos! 🫶
Sending you solidarity from my tiny slice of the portal here in the UK. What annoys me is a lot of it isn't actually hard - people just won't be inconvenienced. I managed an entire two-week trip to Italy with work, masking indoors, eating outdoors where I could, and the worst I came back with was two spider bites. While those around me didn't join me in masking, they at least understood I did so because of Long COVID, and some even expressed admiration that I was "brave enough" to do something no one else was doing. Who knows, maybe some of them will even consider masking next time they have symptoms?
Thank you for this achingly beautiful reflection of us COVID-Cautious/Conscious & very much Isolated, Radical Lovers of Humanity.
Another excellent read Julia, thanks for sharing.
It is fascinating exploring such things regarding my own personal journey over the last few years. Pre-pandemic, I often felt only "lonely" when I tried to connect with the masses and "play the game" as opposed to when I actually had solitude. The pandemic helped crystalize for me how performative and transactional so much of the "social contract" has always been. It has really illuminated how bankrupt the hyper-consumption and the "no think, only consume" mindset is that the masses seem to cling to at all costs.
It is also something that can't be unseen once you see it. Even if we magically poof'd away all infectious diseases, I don't see myself ever wanting to engage with that part of the world more than the absolute minimum required for survival. I am grateful to have found small communities online that acknowledge reality so there's at least a spot to vent and relate somewhere. Haven't found anything like that in person, but I'm generally at peace with my solitude. In a twisted way, I was already somewhat primed for handling social isolation as someone who doesn't drink alcohol and as someone who never found things like indoor dining particularly interesting.
Thank you for the reminder that there are glimmers of hope, thay small groups where community actually means protecting and caring for one another exist, and continue to put into practice what we learn.
It was easier for those of us who were always outcast from society, but it is still a portal.
Illusions were stripped away and I can now tell who genuinely cares about other people or at least themselves, and who just wants to "fit in" and "follow the leader".
It used to be a lot harder to tell.
Beautifully written (as usual). I shared this with my local mask bloc and they were very inspired by it! They are now exploring options for hosting more mask-mandatory social events.
Another insightful and inspiring essay, Julia! Thank you!